No one ever said that marriage was going to be easy. It’s true that the divorce rate has gone down in recent years, but that actually speaks more to the fact that people are getting less married often than it does to the actual ease of marriage.
Every marriage, at some point, hits a rocky period. However, it’s hard for many people to determine whether this period is worth sticking through or not. Will the marriage bounce back or are there years of endless hardship to go?
Should we get a divorce? If you’re asking this question it means that it’s time to take a real hard look at your relationship. What signs can tell you when it’s time to quit and when to stay? Read on and we’ll walk you through everything you need to know.
Your Arguing Habits
The easiest way to tell if there’s trouble in paradise? You can look into what the arguments are like between you and your spouse. There are two different scenarios here that can both be very bad: you argue all the time or you never argue at all.
Wait, you might think, isn’t not arguing at all a good thing? Peace might be nice, but a complete lack of arguments in your relationship altogether might actually be an indication that things are seriously out of wack.
It might sound crazy, but a healthy bit of arguing is actually a good thing. It’s impossible to see eye to eye with your spouse on everything, so an argument every now and again means you’re both standing up for yourself and working through your differences.
No one likes fighting, but it can often be productive. The resolution one gets from fighting can actually be deeply helpful. Fighting at all means you’re still invested in the relationship and in your sense of self.
If you never fight, it might actually be an indication that you and your spouse have given up trying. Having no arguments likely doesn’t mean that you don’t actually have any disagreements: it might just mean that you’re not interested in engaging with your spouse anymore.
This silence and general avoidance can be a dark sign for your relationship. Once you both stop putting in this kind of effort, it can be hard to come back in a real way.
Arguing All The Time
Of course, if you’re fighting literally all the time that’s likely not a good scenario either. There’s no reason that everything has to be an argument, and fights springing up about every little thing most likely means there are deeper problems underneath that need to get sorted out.
Do you find that you try to seek out a fight where there isn’t one? Do you hold grudges against your spouse and take opportunities to take a few stabs at them when they arise? Do you feel as if your spouse does this to you?
If the answer is even a mild yes, it’s a sign that things are not looking good in your relationship. Seeing a counselor might help the two of you get to the bottom of what’s really going on.
Failure to get to the real issues can create an environment that’s just about winning and pinning blame. The relationship becomes about power and competition instead of connection, and that’s not a healthy place to be.
It’s possible to come back from this place with some conscious effort. However, if you’ve reached a point where the arguing never stops, it might mean the end is near.
You’re Not a Team Anymore
It’s a common perspective to have on a marriage: this is someone who is going to be your partner for life. That’s what most people go into a marriage anticipating. However, that might not always end up being the end result.
That idea of teamwork is important to keeping a marriage going, but it’s not always easy to maintain it. One sign that your marriage might be slipping away? If working together towards a common goal ceases to be something that is on either of your minds.
Look at your own mentality as it pertains to your life. Do you think in terms of ‘we’ or in terms of ‘I’ and ‘me?’ If you’re thinking solely of yourself most of the time, it might be an indication that you’ve outgrown the relationship.
You can look at your own word choice and see indications of how invested you and your spouse are in the relationship as it stands. If you’ve both started to think of yourself as separate entities despite the legal bindings, it might mean a divorce would be good for both of you.
How else can you tell that you’ve stopped working as a team? An easy sign is if they’ve lost the status of being your go-to person. Who do you turn to when you have a terrible day or when you want to share some good news?
If that person is no longer your spouse, as it once likely was, then you need to consider that things might not be on the best footing. When you lose the desire to share important things with that person, it’s a sign that a call to the Divorce Lawyer might be around the corner.
You Can’t Forgive
Sometimes, the magic just falls out of a relationship. In other scenarios, an actual act might put the longevity of the marriage into question. This could be those all-too-common acts of infidelity, poor money management, or any act that can destroy a sense of trust between two lovers.
It’s not impossible to overcome and save a marriage when these kinds of things occur. It has been done by many couples. However, it all depends on you and your spouses’ personal feelings.
If you’re going to overcome these problems, you or your spouse must be able to fully forgive and heal. Even if you want to do this, it can be easier said than done. You can’t force yourself to forgive if you really don’t.
Sometimes it just takes time. It also might be something impacted by your personality. Some people find it easier to let go of resentment than others. The bottom line is this: if you or your spouse isn’t able to genuinely find forgiveness, these kinds of events can lead easily to divorce.
You need to give yourself the space to reach forgiveness, of course, and it can be hard to determine how long that might take. However, you also need to be honest when it might just not ever happen.
You’re Thinking of Divorce a Lot
One other sign that it might be time to take the idea of divorce seriously? You’re thinking about it all the time. If splitting up is something you spend your afternoons imagining, it’s a good indication that your heart isn’t in the relationship to stay.
If you feel confused, you might be blocking the obvious answer from coming to you: you should go. Often, we are more afraid of the actions we must take than we are actually confused about what would be the right thing to do.
That’s all to say: if divorce is on your mind constantly, it might mean that you know deep down that’s what you really should do.
This is especially true if you’re taking actual actions to ease your transition into a divorce. Moving your money into separate accounts? Looking for a new job or curious about real estate somewhere else in town?
Once you start planning that way, you’re paving the road to divorce with very real stones. You might think it’s all harmless curiosity, but this kind of behavior really speaks to where your heart and mind are actually at.
It’s a good indication that you already have one foot out of the marriage, even if you hadn’t fully realized it. Once you’re in this position, it can be very difficult to turn the clocks back. You need to be all in to make a marriage really work, and this kind of thinking indicates you might not be willing to do that.
‘Should We Get a Divorce?’: Things to Consider
Should we get a divorce?
By the time this question is seriously on the table between a couple, it means things are really in a bad place. It can be hard to determine if a marriage is in a rocky period or if it’s really time to call it quits and start new. The above information can help you determine where your relationship is and what actions you need to take.
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