For many women, getting older is often associated more with fear than anything positive. The fear of looking and feeling older, for example, or losing their sex drive. Noted author Dr. Venus Nicolino says that getting older actually provides women the opportunity to get a better understanding of what makes themselves tick and to start enjoying life more.
She discussed this issue in an interview with fellow author and former “Dancing With the Stars” co-host Brooke Burke on the Tea With Dr. V podcast. Both agreed that as they age into their late 40s and early 50s, they begin to leave behind much of what constrained their lives at a younger age.
Older women often have the ability to enjoy life more rather than worrying over every detail. Dr. Venus Nicolino asked, “Is it just like you are sinking into this bath of ‘I don’t give a f—’ or is it you’ve come to the conclusion that so much of your life is obligatory and that you just simply can’t go on this way?”
She and Burke agreed it’s a combination of those two things as well as other factors. Much of it is tied to moving beyond the impossible expectations put on women.
Issues Women Face From An Early Age
In the podcast, Dr. Venus Nicolino discussed how older women better understand what held them back in their youth. Much of it involves always putting other people first.
“If we were in a room full of women in their late 40s, entering their 50s, they would probably say it’s a confluence of factors, that it isn’t just this one thing,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “As women, we grow up — and hopefully this changes — feeling like we need to please everybody. And that it’s our job to take on all the emotional labor in a family.”
Dr. Venus Nicolino added that the expectations and pressure put on women pops up in all phases of life. For example, she said research shows that women and men even approach job applications differently.
“When a woman goes to apply for a job, she, in her mind, has to adhere to 100% of what the application is looking for. When a man goes to apply for a job, he looks for 65%,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “In so many ways, we are teaching our young girls to be perfect instead of learning how to fail”.
She added this robs young women of a beneficial experience, because “the more you fail, the more experience you have, the stronger you are.”
She also pointed out that motherhood can be another area where women face unreasonable expectations that can lead to “mommy shaming” from other women who feel they are not parenting their child correctly. “That always blows my mind when I see a mother doing that to another mother,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said.
Moving past these outmoded ways of thinking has tangible benefits. A recent study reported by NBC found that getting older is actually the “secret power” for women, who often excel in leadership roles as they age. For both men and women, the research found that “older people are happier than other age groups and far more productive than commonly believed.”
The Need to Celebrate Life, Including a Good Sex Life
As she gets older, Dr. Venus Nicolino said one of the things she has come to realize is that she is “not celebrating my life enough, and I want to.” She said part of what drives this feeling may be the sense of mortality that comes with age and the idea that “we’re going to die soon so we need to enjoy this time.”
Part of that enjoyment revolves around sex. That’s another area where things can improve with age. Dr. Venus Nicolino said during the conversation with Burke that sex continues to get better as she gets older.
“I don’t know about you, but I am experiencing an amazing amount of pleasure,” Dr. Venus Nicolino explained that as women age, “We are more comfortable in our bodies, we know where everything is, and we’re not bogged down by societal shame which is put on our genitals, which is put on our bodies.”
However, this remains an important, if not always talked about, issue for women. Dr. Venus Nicolino pointed out that studies show 94% of women do not orgasm during intercourse and that the number of women faking an orgasm outnumbers the number of women actually having one.
A good sign is that women, as they age, are more willing to talk about these issues. Dr. Venus Nicolino said as a whole that the discussion around sex has become more focused on women rather than just the pleasure of men.
“Even in the last five years, we’ve been talking about female orgasms, finally. It’s really refreshing to see a focus be put on the female anatomy, the female orgasm, because it’s been so ignored,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said.
Dr. Venus Nicolino Says Older Women Are More Comfortable Putting Themselves First
Dr. Venus Nicolino said that a focus on sexual pleasure is just one part of how older women can enjoy life more as they age. This is possible in part because women move beyond the years when the needs of others, especially children, are first and foremost in their minds.
“When you’re trying to figure out how to survive and have little ones survive, as well, you’re not thinking about yourself. You’re not thinking about pleasure. You’re thinking about everybody else around you,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said.
But as women age, they begin to focus more on themselves. “I’ve never felt more freedom,” she said. “I’m OK with my sense of self. I don’t have to please you, I don’t have to do anything for you.”
She added, laughing, “As a matter of fact, how can that go in the other direction?”
Dr. Venus Nicolino is the author of Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t. She holds a Master’s in Counseling Psychology and a Master’s and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She frequently discusses relationship issues through her TikTok videos and Instagram posts, as well as on the Tea With Dr. V podcast.
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