Xbox Really Just Wants to be Invited to Your Birthday Party

Head of Xbox, Phil Spencer is tired of being bullied and pushed around.  Recently announced head of the Microsoft Xbox division, Spencer has been on a crusade to undo the damage from a year ago when Xbox and Microsoft had a less-than-stellar showing at E3.  Since then, Microsoft has made some bold changes.  Big-wig Don Mattrick was traded to the sinking ship known as Zynga for a pack of beef jerky and a car washing Groupon and ex-head of Xbox, Marc Whitten, was shot into space, never to be heard from again.  This left the undesirable job of righting the off-course Microsoft ship to Spencer, who announced last week the Xbox One would be sold without the Kinect.  There have been mixed reactions, but the most emotional has probably come from the Xbox itself.

Not but a couple years ago, Xbox was the veritable prom king of console high school.  It got to go to the cool parties, sit at the “popular” table at lunch, charge $10/month for people to watch Netflix/Hulu.  Ah yes, those were the days.

“Look, I understand some people were tired of Xbox being a douche,” an exasperated Spencer said.  “I thought it was douchey, you thought it was douchey.  I totally get it.  But it’s not like that anymore, we’re cool people.”

The fallout for Xbox came at E3 2013.  Hung over from its own party, telling people it would no longer answer to “Xbox 360”, but rather go by the name, “Xbox One” or “The One” if you would – most people wouldn’t- the Xbox went on to announce some bold initiatives.  Xbox would run all your entertainment, and would store all your information in a magical place called, “The Cloud.”  It told people to stop buying used games because it was done with them.  It also said it’s lame friend-with-benefits (who no one liked), Kinect, would be coming around a lot more, assuring us that it was a totally new Kinect and much cooler now.

No one was impressed and it’s showed in the sales.  Since the console launch in November, PlayStation has been rattling off sales figures like Game Console Jesus has arrived, meanwhile Xbox has been muttering them under its breath.  It’s hard to directly compare sales with the ambiguous numbers both companies have released, but its safe to say PlayStation has a decent lead on Xbox in this new generation.

“I told them,” Spencer explained, regarding the unpopular decisions.  “I told them no one would like us.  We were being assholes and no one appreciates it.”

“I thought Sony was totally in with me.” Xbox said when asked to recount E3.  “I asked him, ‘You gonna bundle that shitty move thing you got?’ He said, ‘Totally, bro’.  I told him, ‘Time to start messing with all this used game shit, right?’ He was like, ‘For shiz, man.  Then he didn’t do it, totally backstabbed me.  Whatever, I’m over it.”

When asked for a comment Xbox replied, “You know, I dunno what the big deal is, everyone was being a total jerk.  Why can’t everyone just do what I want?  No one gave Kinect a chance, you know?  We has only been around for, like, four years and everyone dismisses him.  He’s had a hard time and you should just give him a chance.”

Spencer has been working hard to make Xbox more personable since the E3 debacle.  The first step was taken immediately following E3, before Spencer was head of Xbox, when it was announced Xbox would allow people to play used games again, ditching the confusing sharing system Microsoft had tried to explain and getting back to basics.

“No one knew what we were talking about,” Spencer said when asked to recount the share system.  “ I didn’t know what we were talking about.  You can share games with ten family members, but two can’t play at the same time, but people CAN play if they are together.  When we were testing it, I ended up playing Don Mattrick’s game of Dead Rising 3.  Eventually Xbox just thought I was Don Mattrick.  We had to get rid of that crap.”

Next Spencer started the fight to break up Xbox and Kinect.  First by announcing Xbox did not require Kinect to be turned on, then by saying Xbox would be sold without the annoying peripheral.

A tearful Xbox confessed it hadn’t realized how painful the relationship had been.  “It’s been an emotional 24 hours for me,” Xbox said, while watching Love Actually with a half gallon of rocky road sitting in it’s lap. “I thought we were gonna be together forever.  Is $499 too high a price to pay for love?  I added voice functionality to Ryse: Son of Rome for Kinect, do you know how unnecessary that was?”

“Honestly, I hope that the price drop and the lack of Kinect will just stop Kaz Hirai from trolling me.  I’m tired of coming home and finding $499 spray painted on my garage door.  He also keeps  prank calling me, telling me he’s J Allard and he’s ‘disappointed’ in me. I’m just trying to help the consumers here, just trying to do my job.”

When asked if there would be anymore changes made in the future, Xbox said, “I just hope I start getting invited to parties again.  I liked being the cool kid, I want to go back to those days.  Do you know how embarrassing it is to see PlayStation being praised as the ‘gamer’s console’? People used to say that about me.  Jimmy Collins in Tucson, Arizona is having a birthday party, I kind of hope he gets me for his birthday so he and his friends can play some Titanfall.”

We have reached out to Mr. and Mrs. Collins in Tucson to verify what they bought little Jimmy, but our calls have only been answers with an upset Mr. Collins saying, “Stop calling here!”  Their locale Wal-Mart believes they bought a WiiU, this writer refuses to believe that.  No one buys WiiUs.

When we asked Phil Spencer about anymore changes to the Xbox One, he replied, “I don’t know.  Maybe we’ll take out the TV functionality and call it PlayStation 4, maybe that will placate our critics, who knows.”  This is a widely approved strategy.

Xbox fights to reshape its image and undo the damage so heavily delivered less than a year ago.  Can it come back?  Either way it should be an interesting story.

*In case you didn’t realize, this article has been written in jest.  Xboxs don’t talk, Marc Whitten isn’t in space, and the Kinect is actually a figment of your imagination.  If you don’t have a sense of humor, please leave an angry comment below.